TESTIMONY STATUS: CONFLICTING

INCIDENT REPORTS

The following accounts were submitted by witnesses, participants, and persons of questionable standing.

Consistency was not observed.

INCIDENT REPORT 001

INCIDENT /

The Premeditated Egg Incident

LOCATION /

Private residence

PRIMARY SUBJECT /

Todd

PROJECTILE /

One chicken egg

DAMAGE /

Emotional and exterior

STATEMENT /

The subject acknowledged possessing the egg but declined to identify its source.

Witnesses disagreed as to whether the projectile was thrown, launched, or dropped from the sky.

Shell fragments were recovered.

Motive remains under investigation.

STATUS /

Over easy.

INCIDENT REPORT 002

THE KITTEN ABDUCTION INCIDENT

SUBJECT /

Pepperoni

CLASSIFICATION /

Disputed feline relocation

PRIMARY SUSPECT /

The taller man

STATEMENT /

Following an abrupt separation from organized intimidation, the suspect removed Pepperoni from her home without filling out the appropriate paperwork.

The suspect maintains that the pair were meant to be.

Other parties have used the word kidnapping.

Pepperoni soon became emotionally attached to the wrong criminal.

Multiple individuals demanded his return.

Pepperoni has declined to identify his preferred custodian.

Investigators remain concerned that he may have seen too much.

STATUS /

Custody disputed.

OBSERVATION /

The witness has not stopped purring.