BIO DEBATABLE
The following account was supplied by the subject.
SELF-ASSESSMENT
1/4 Genius. 3/4 Deluded. 100% Burnt.
Independent verification produced mixed results.
CURRENT LIKENESS
Louis Pomatico
IDENTIFICATION STATUS
Appears consistent.
SUBJECT ACCOUNT
Louis Pomatico was born and raised on Long Island, New York, and no matter how hard he tries, remains stranded there. He is nevertheless a proud Long Islander. This point is not under dispute.
The Makeshift Intervention is his first novel. It began in 2010 as a ten-page letter written during his addiction to alcohol and drugs—a private cry for help from someone who had, by then, burn-baby-burned all but one bridge.
The letter took care of that.
Louis then had two clear choices: burn the letter with the last bridge or turn it into the funniest fucking novel this goddamned great Earth has ever seen—or read.
I bet you’re wondering what he did.
Relax.
I’m going to tell you.
That ten-page letter quickly grew to more than one hundred thousand words, which is an obscene and ridiculous number of words. Since then, the manuscript has been revised so extensively that none of the original pages survived.
Well, maybe a sentence or two.
Inside sources confirm that along the way, TMI carried the subtitle Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Rely on the Infinite Monkey Theorem. For some wild, crazy, and unknown reason, the subtitle did not survive either. According to Louis, “It fucking should have because it makes so much fucking sense.”
His editor still pooh-poohed it.
For the next sixteen years—
Yes. Sixteen fucking years.
—Louis returned to the manuscript in fits—casual, formal, and sometimes beachwear.
Writer’s block.
In the winter of 2026, he committed to finishing the book—not only for himself, but for his son. He had run out of children’s books and could no longer afford the library late fees. Finishing the manuscript seemed practical and therefore the best next step.
When Louis isn’t writing, he is most likely sleeping. When he isn’t sleeping, he’s probably napping. When he isn’t napping, he’s wide awake on sunshine and can be found near water, forest bathing, or wandering down an unknown road.
Louis is a strong advocate for plant medicine and a longtime student of altered consciousness. At this point in the interview, he yelled, “Incoming!” and dove to the floor.
I don’t know why.
From what I’m told, his Micro-Do-Si-Do blotter art is floating around here somewhere.
He also maintains that none of this is autobiographical.
Available evidence remains inconclusive.
ALTERNATE LIKENESS
Image submitted without explanation.
Authenticity disputed.
BIOGRAPHICAL ACCURACY: DISPUTED
